seaportawning EDITOR’S NOTE: Second+PCH developer David Malmuth announced last week that he intends to rewrite southeastern Long Beach’s zoning laws—sounding certain of a rubber stamp by city officials—to accommodate the myriad ways his massive retail/residential/hotel proposal violates regulations that have been in effect for 31 years. Many residents, eager to maximize the profitability of their properties, have expressed an interest in getting in on the action. One wrote to GreaterLongBeach.com asking how she could add four stories to her quaint Belmont Shore cottage and convert the bottom floor into a liquor store. We passed along her inquiry to the experts at Blight Masters Construction. seaportparkinglotflower

Hey, thanks for the shout out, but it’s Blight Masters Consulting, not Construction—after all, we have standards. And speaking of standards, we very much like your reader’s transformational vision for Belmont Shore, which, let’s face it, is mostly filled with very old homes that are unreasonably protected by zoning laws even older than the ones Mr. Malmuth is about to rewrite. Blight Masters Consulting would be happy to help her open a liquor store at her residence.

The first step is to follow the example of the landowners at Second+PCH—blight your property. There is no way around this requirement. Don’t do anything to make it look as though you’re trying your best to make a go seaportelements of it—that will only lead to the conclusion that your management of the property is competent. Shoot for something that can be described the way Mr. Malmuth talks about the current hotel at that intersection: “a failure … an eyesore, and an economic drain.”

Go Small Time in a Big Time way! Throw a plywood berry stand on your front lawn, and use smelly, unshaven men to sell some Christmas trees when it gets dark early—but only after pulling out the grass and throwing down some gravel. Make your place look like hell, like you’re chasing nickels to support a meth habit. Make it look like you have no self respect as a business owner.

Then ask Long Beach city officials for permission to build three liquor stores. Tell them the Bacardi Girls will be there for the grand opening, or maybe Captain Morgan in a Long Beach State baseball cap! Tell the Mayor he can have his picture taken with them! You’ll get your liquor store.

seaportrottenwood Of course, if you follow Blight Masters’ recommendation, you’ll be proposing three liquor stores, each of four stories, for a reasonable height of 12 stories. This will require a “new media” strategy—that is, identifying gullible people and communicating with them frequently. This is critical to your success.

For this step, follow the example of the Second+PCH developers.

Build a cool website and load it with out-of-context excerpts from the latest draft of the Environmental Impact Report and unsubstantiated claims about the tax revenue and jobs that will be generated by the project. Don’t forget to include a form letter raving about your project, something that makes it easy for people to electronically sign and send, not to mention pretend that they have reviewed the potential impacts.

seaportcourtyard Start a Facebook page and then tell your neighbors—or anybody, really—that if they “friend” you and post nice things about your project, you’ll give them an iPad. That way, when you go before the Planning Commission and City Council you can talk about how supportive your neighbors are of your 12-story stack of four-story liquor stores.

Meanwhile, refuse to engage those who point out that many one- and two-story businesses in your area are still making comfortable, non-extravagant livings for their owners. Continue to insist that yours is a “reasonable” development—until someone gets around to pointing out that it’s only reasonable if you want to score big enough to arouse the envy of Wall Street bonus-takers. seaportdoorprop

At this point, tread carefully. You’ll probably feel like saying, “But who doesn’t want to make an enormous amount of money by screwing over the neighbors? I’m living the dream, baby!” But your honesty won’t serve you well here. Many people would take a dim view of your sociopathy (and forgive us for assuming this about you, but you’re not our first client).

Instead, you should insist loudly that everything man-made is development and, therefore, to be against your development is to be against THE MARCH OF HUMAN HISTORY!!! Insist that all developments are the same and that yours is just one more of them!

seaportparkinglot Ask lots of liquor-using and iPad-starved people if they want to be against THE MARCH OF HUMAN HISTORY!!! Tell them the answer is NO!!! (Remember, they’re only with you because they’re not thinking.)

Lead them in a parade! Tell the Mayor he can front it and get his picture taken, but only if he wears a Long Beach State pennant from each ear and does the buck-and-wing while farting the school’s fight song! (If you think he won’t show, you’re mistaken.)

What a day for your liquor store empire that will be!