monkeyservant Friday, August 27 Well, the weekend is here: a time for reflection and celebration and, if you’re from the suburbs, to cut your lawn. Cutting your lawn is quintessentially American, like hayrides and ritualistic farm killings which are then commemorated with a hayride. Cutting your lawn is also like the worst thing you can do for the environment, right up there with watering your lawn, fertilizing your lawn and opening a Carls Jr. franchise on an oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico. Yes, lawns are selfish and destructive exercises and that’s just the way the Norwalk planning commission likes it. They’ve put off any debate on the issue of whether synthetic turf can be used instead of actual grass by residents. First, hey, Norwalk, synthetic turf is not some new thing. Fact is lots and lots of municipalities not only allow it, but use it in parks and athletic fields because it is cost and ecologically effective. Second, what is this, Irvine? I didn’t know some commission could tell us what we could do with our lawns. If that’s true, then why hasn’t there been any local ordinances banning those creepy-ass gnomes with their passive, accusing eyes that follow you everywhere; those guys need to be taken on a hayride.

Saturday, August 28 A fire breaks out in the old Press-Telegram building on Pine Ave. The building, vacant for years save for the transients who use it, was originally slated to become neato artist’s lofts. But that has been sidetracked because of the economic slowdown. Also, bum doodie.

Sunday, August 29 Damn flies.

Monday, August 30 A study shows that, despite an overall drop in the amount of illegal immigrants living in America, the majority of them live in California. SCORE! This is great news that should be used as much as possible by the state to attract new business. Number one, hey, cheap labor. Second, just think what this says about our great state. I mean, there are few decisions bigger, more life altering than the decision to illegally emigrate. This isn’t something people just rush into without thinking, like marriage. And when it comes to a decision that is going to affect the rest of their lives, these people choose the Golden State? All I can say, for the entire state of California, is thank you Mr. and Mrs. Illegal Immigrant, we appreciate you and will try to make ourselves worthy of your faith.

Tuesday, August 31 Suja Lowenthal participates in today’s City Council Budget Oversight Committee, also known as “Fix that pothole your damn self,” via Skype from her temporary residence at the Jai Mahal Palace luxury hotel in India. Now, if you Google this place you’ll see that the term “Palace” is not ironic or cheesy but completely appropriate as is the subsequent “Mahal.” Oh, there’s just something so deliciously twisted, so utterly Marie Antoinettish about discussing cuts in basic services as one is being served exotic fruits by a monkey butler … I hope. 

Wednesday, September 1 So Norwalk isn’t so hot on fake grass and now neighboring Downey (boo-ya!) opposes medical grass. The city’s planning commission is moving toward banning all medical marijuana dispensaries in the city, which doesn’t seem like very good planning at all, seeing as Downey is one of the great fast-food, diner-food locations in all of Southern California. The city that gave birth to Taco Bell and which is home to the oldest operating McDonald’s as well as Johnies, Pete’s Patio, El Taco, Uncle Henry’s, Guadalajara—I could on and on—seems like a natural fit. Downey couldn’t be any better situated for pot dispensaries if its motto was “Downey: Future, and Cool Ranch Doritos, Unlimited.”

Thursday, September 2 Daring is my middle name … wait, no it isn’t. But now I want to have a kid, just to give him the middle name of Daring. I’m a giver.