VECTOR CONTROL: WOMEN’S CONFAB ADDS SEX-TAPE STARS AND A SCAREDY CATBy Steve Lowery
Friday, August 6 Long Beach’s Women’s Conference announces three more big names for the annual event in October. They are Kim Kardashian, Rob Lowe and Laura Bush. So, in summation, the conference (where the motto is “Empower, Inspire and Educate”) is adding two people who owe much of their fame to sex tapes, along with a former First Lady who, unlike her husband/worst-President-ever, is pro-choice and pro-gay rights … but never said so publicly until after her husband/harbinger-of-the-apocalypse had left office, and therefore could do no one any good—showing the same capacity for moral courage as her husband/wad.
Saturday, August 7 Enjoy!
Sunday, August 8 In other Downey news, all hell recently broke loose over the one issue that has plagued our nation from the beginning: Whatta we doing for lunch? According to the Downey Patriot’s Henry Veneracion, when members of the city’s Green Task Force recently presented their report to the City Council—a report a year in the making—it was greeted with a complaint by Mayor Anne Bayer about the sandwiches provided at the meetings. Some task force members said they found Bayer’s comments insulting. Councilman Mario Guerra categorized them as “ridiculous and petty,” and later issued a statement adding that he “was highly shocked and embarrassed when the report presentation was interrupted by Anne Bayer complaining about the sandwiches …” Guerra’s comments are considered the strongest on the subject since Lyndon Johnson’s Tonkin Gulf Shrimp Po’ Boy Resolution.
Monday, August 9 It may be time to think seriously about torta reform.
Tuesday, August 10 Meat.
Wednesday, August 11 And now they’re saying that residents of Bell were overcharged nearly $3 million in taxes. Residents first clue? They were being charged to live in Bell.
Thursday, August 12 Talk show host/miserable human being (redundant?) Laura Schlessinger apologizes for using the n-word on her daily program/flogging. Schlessinger said she was “attempting to make a philosophical point” when she used the n-word “more than one time.” In fact, she used it more than two times, more than three times, more than four times, more than five times, more than six times, more than seven times, more than eight times, more than nine times, more than 10 times. She used the n-word 11 times. But, c’mon, you know how it is with philosophic points, sometimes sensitive words just kind of slip out. Eleven times. Heck, I once denied the Holocaust 11 times just while ordering breakfast. Schlessinger’s radio show is enormously popular with people with low self-esteem and they hang on her every (11) word(s) as a roadmap as to how they should live their own lives. And who better than Schlessinger—who had long term affairs with two married men, who was estranged from both her parents, whose mother died alone and undiscovered for months, who said “If you’re gay or a lesbian, it’s a biological error,” who called homosexuality a “deviant behavior,” who used the n-word 11 times on a nationally syndicated radio show—to give out advice on living? I mean, she’s kind of like Jesus, you know if Jesus made everyone around him feel awful and hated both of his parents and boned other people’s spouses and used the n-word 11 times while giving the Sermon on the Mount.