THE LOCAL NORM: REPTILE APPOINTED TO REPLACE BOMGAARS—JUST COINCIDENCE?By Norm de Ploom
The toddler-sized iguana named Lizard was returned by police last week to the Bellflower auto repair shop from where it was stolen five months ago. But after an emotional reunion with its owner—which was remarkably one-sided, even by reptile standards—Lizard was whisked to City Hall, where it was made a Bellflower public official by open acclamation.
Lizard will fill the remaining term of departing Bellflower Councilman Randy Bomgaars, who announced last week that he would sell the remaining minuscule fragments of his good name for generous annual payments of cash.
Bomgaars took advantage of a loophole in pension law by retiring from two public employee positions on the same day. Consequently, his $78,720 annual pension taxpayers were already giving him for 40 years as an elementary school teacher will be boosted by another $39,000-a-year in tax dollars for sitting on the city council. The nifty move promises Bomgaars a total annual reward of $117,720 for a lifetime of now-indelibly tainted public service.
“It’s not a lot of money, but then again, most of us never really had that high of an opinion of Bomgaars to begin with, so that beady-eyed snake made out pretty good,” said one Bellflower resident. “And since Americans are trained to believe that people who make more money are better people than those who make less, how can you not approve of what Bomgaars has done?”
Bomgaars said the extra money would be used to help out his family, which he considers more deserving of it than the families of other retiring public servants. He also refused to donate back to the city the amount he cynically exploited from the people of Bellflower, even if only for just a year or two until this stark revelation of his abysmal character blows over.
“Judging from my own experience, public servants are greedy, grasping, deceitful, hypocritical, selfish liars who are only in it to take advantage of arcane laws and procedures to enrich their friends and family,” Bomgaars said. “If I didn’t take the money, someone else would, and they’d probably waste it in some way worse than I will, don’t ask me how. So, screw them, screw the public, and screw you too, sucker!”
But Councilsaur Lizard was not pleased with Bomgaars’s conspicuous display of cold-blooded, though entirely legal, predation. Lizard immediately decreed that Bomgaars would be temporarily housed in a special compound, away from public view, until he had learned to conceal more artfully his true nature. Other Bellflower council members flicked their tongues into the air in silent assent with Lizard’s directive.
News agencies were unable to determine the exact location of the compound, though all reports seem to have zeroed in on a Bellflower industrial building that has been receiving boxcar-sized shipments of mealworms and dried flies. After these early reports became public, however, Councilsaur Lizard immediately placed the building in question into a giant empty aquarium equipped with a food bowl the size of a bathtub, rendering Bomgaars incommunicado.
Although city residents seemed obliviously content with this arrangement, extraterrestrial experts see these developments as alarming indications that Bomgaars is a member of the Reptilian vanguard, and that the City of Bellflower has now become Earth’s pre-eminent interstellar teleportal for the Reptilian invasion to come.
“It’s too much of a coincidence that Lizard returns to the city at the exact same time that Bomgaars shows a little more cold-bloodedness than the Reptilian High Command would want on public display,” said a leading Reptilian investigator.
“Bomgaars’s selfishness would be acceptable to the scaly politburo if he were posing as a human car salesman or investment banker. But at his own personal Galactic Rite of the Last Moult, Bomgaars swore a blood-oath to Hrogamaat the Bureaucrasaur to always cover his scaly baseness with a smarmy veneer of benevolent public service.
This is clearly a violation.”
Bomgaars is not the first humanoid reptile to be identified in recent years as a Reptilian invader bent on the complete and total extinction of mutually beneficial, non-market-based human social cooperation in all its forms. Others widely understood to be Reptilians are former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, current Long Beach Councilman James Johnson and the End of Times Dark Lord Justin Bieber.
“Don’t be deceived by their human appearance, as most Reptilians exhibit metabolic homeostasis at temperatures in the mammalian range,” said an extraterrestrial consultant. “Most have eyelids, too, though these can be fused to their nictating membranes and appear transparent.”