gimmillaro Friday, November 12 Long Beach loves weed! Councilwoman Gerrie Schipske arranged a little survey of about 1,000 residents to gauge what they thought about medical marijuana dispensaries—“Hey Doc, I came in to get some weed for my medical condition.” “What medical condition is that?” “The medical condition called Ain’t Got No Weed.” Lovely. Anyway, they send out this survey and the results come back and everyone thinks that they’re just gonna confirm what they already believed, that marijuana dispensaries breed crime and addiction and ugliness and misery, you know, like liquor stores and Wal-Mart. But the surveys come back and it turns out people don’t want the locals to mess with the pot palaces and kush castles. To the key question, “Would you support a ballot measure prohibiting ALL medical marijuana collectives in the City of Long Beach …,” 64 percent said No. Thirty percent said Yes, although we’re guessing half of them were too high to understand the question. How much do we love the herb? The question of whether the law should be changed to prohibit the dispensaries from operating within 1000 feet of schools received a 54 percent response of No. Local students expressed relief—and smoke—upon hearing the news. Also happy? School snack buyers who’d stocked up heavily with Cool Ranch Doritos for semester finals, though heaviest sales have been found in the teachers’ lounge.

Saturday, November 13 Couches are good.

Sunday, November 14 Very good.

Monday, November 15 Los Alamitos hates everything! The city council has continued to ban tattoo parlors in the city, concerned they will adversely affect local businesses and attractions, though, for the life of me, I can’t think of one thing that would attract me to Los Alamitos. And don’t say wiener dog racing at Los Alamitos Race Course. Number one, it’s sad when the first thing people think about your city is a bunch of ‘roided up gophers. Second, Los Alamitos Race Course actually isn’t in Los Alamitos, it’s in Cypress. And how hurting are you when Cypress is big-timing you? No, the only things I can think of when it comes to Los Alamitos are coyotes and nuclear weapons, and while that combination has worked out swimmingly for glamorous downtown Los Alamos … oh man, big-timed by Los Alamos also? Kaboom! Anyway, apparently no one on the city council has been to a beach in the last 10 years, or watched a sporting event or has a friend, relative or workmate under the age of 50, so they are unaware that tattoos are as mainstream and apple pie as the pot dispensary across from your kid’s magnet high school.

Tuesday, November 16 Oh, did I forget to mention that Los Alamitos also continues to ban pawn shops? What do you people do?

Wednesday, November 17 Carnival Cruise Lines’ floating Petrie dish, the Splendor, is docked in town and undergoing repairs and cleanup. It is a huge blow to the 30,000 people who were looking forward to spending their holidays at sea, wretching and in misery. Looks like they’ll just have to do that at home like the rest of us.

Thursday, November 18 Cal State Long Beach women’s volleyball coach Brian Gimmillaro gets his 700th career win when the 49ers defeat UC Irvine in a Big West conference match. That’s a lot of victories for the coach, and among them are an assortment of conference and national championships, all of which came thanks, in part, to some of the greatest college players ever—including a scrappy setter by the name of Misty May—but really, most of it has to do with his hair. Have you ever seen Brian Gimmillaro’s hair? It is magnificent. Like the Grand Canyon, it changes hues and appearance during different times of the day. Like the waters at Lourdes, it has been known to give help and hope to many—documentation regarding specific hair-related miracles is reportedly still being suppressed. Manly but beautiful, silky yet strong, it is what Walt Whitman was referring to when he wrote, “Oh Captain, my Captain!” Well, actually he was writing about Lincoln, but Lincoln couldn’t set a giraffe if his life depended on it—so congratulations, Brian Gimmillaro’s hair!