cervantes Friday, August 13 If you’ve somehow missed getting to know Compton Community College District Board Trustee Lorraine Cervantes—for years a presence in Compton public affairs—do it soon. She could be going away for a while. Vacation? In a way … you know, court-mandated. It’s only now coming to light that Cervantes (allegedly) did a very bad thing in late July—“bad” if advocating arson, possibly murder and threatening extortion fall outside your moral comfort zone. In the best tradition of dumb crooks, Cervantes not only (allegedly) did it in full view of the Compton city council but on local TV. On July 27, she got up during the public comment portion of the council meeting and suggested that somebody burn down the Compton Bulletin, the local—and excellent—community newspaper. Cervantes doesn’t like the Bulletin because of its outrageous practice of reporting the contradictions in what Cervantes does and says and printing letters to the editor that criticize Cervantes for the contradictions in what she does and says—lately, the way she’s flip-flopped from a staunch opponent of reviving the Compton Police Department to an unabashed fan of the plan. Cervantes’ call to arson carries extra weight because there was a fire in the Bulletin offices last January, one that officials ruled was caused by faulty wiring but local buzz still insists was deliberately set. “The newspaper, I don’t know who tried to burn it down,” Cervantes said that night at the council meeting, “but they need to do it again.” And that would seem to be a felony. It’s one thing to shout fire in a crowded theater, entirely another thing to advocate it at a televised city council meeting. Dumb? So beyond dumb, mind-numbingly numb-minded, so very, very stupid that you would think anyone with a brain would instantly recognize their mistake and say they were just joking or exaggerating or taken out of context or presently entering rehab. But not Cervantes. SHE WENT ON! “Don’t they have anything to talk about that’s decent and right and correct? Because they have a lot of dirt in they closet. And some of us have that dirt. We’re just tryin’ not to stoop that low. But I may have to stoop.” And that, boys and girls, is what an extortionist says. (Continue “Stop Me Before I Felonize Again … Too Late: The Lorraine Cervantes Story” on Saturday, August 14).

Saturday, August 14 Perhaps what Lorraine Cervantes is most guilty of is short-changing herself. Not stooping low? Oh Lorraine, you can stoop with the worst of them. Let’s see, there’s the time you claimed a Compton mayor, and his family, were adherents of Satanism. And the time you threatened to punch out a woman who had written one of those critical letters to the Bulletin. And the time you said that anyone who supported bringing back the Compton Police Department would find themselves in prison—ironic, no? And the time you attended a city council meeting in a Mardi Gras outfit? (Oh, who are we kidding—that was fabulous.) Even more ironic than the other stuff is that, back then, Cervantes was a community activist who would have welcomed the transparency an aggressive paper like the Bulletin demands from public officials. But now that she is a public official, well, not so much. Wonder how she’ll feel if she’s a convicted felon?

Sunday, August 15 A study to be published in the Journal of Health Economics—love their annual swimsuit issue—says that many kids diagnosed with attention-deficit disorder would more accurately be diagnosed as being kids. The study says most kids aren’t cured of ADD, they simply mature. I’ve thought as much for a long time. It seems we’re especially quick to scream ADD in boys who, speaking from experience, have a hard time sitting still and playing nice. You know what my favorite game was as a kid? It was Choke Ronnie and it involved me climbing on the chest of my best friend, Ronnie, and choking him. I loved that game. There was so much strategy and nuance to it, especially the part where Ronnie, his eyes all bugging out, would plead “Steve! I can’t breathe!” and I would have to decide if he could. In fact, my playing ability took a big jump the day Ronnie’s brother Jim, another big fan of the game, informed me that if someone couldn’t breathe they wouldn’t be able to say they couldn’t breathe. Anyway, it was a great game, but I can imagine some people watching me may have thought I needed …. ooooh, shiny object!

Monday, August 16 A federal court grants proponents of Prop 8 a stay on gay and lesbian marriages. Those proponents say that a recent court ruling that found that Prop 8 was unconstitutional usurped the will of the people, to which I say, thank God, considering that, historically, the will of the people has included such concepts as separate but equal and women not being allowed to vote. The will of the people was to elect George W. Bush President. Well, once—and only once.

Tuesday, August 17 Man, that Dr. Laura really wants to say the n-word! After getting flack for saying said n-word 11 times while talking to one caller, she announces on “Larry King Live” that she will be ending her syndicated radio show because, she says “I want to regain my First Amendment rights.” Yeah, I think anyone who ever listened to Dr. Laura’s show, transmitted on hundreds of radio stations to millions of listeners, and heard her call homosexuals biological errors or break down some poor, self-hating schlub could see that she was being unfairly muzzled. At last the woman can speak her mind. And say the n-word. You’re free!

Wednesday, August 18 You and Mel Gibson.

Thursday, August 19 A press release announces that Acres of Books will be holding its final farewell sale event on August 28. By my count, this marks the third final farewell event, which means Acres of Books has become the bibliophile approximation of Cher. Actually, Acres is starting to remind me of a girlfriend or boyfriend you break up with and, at first, it’s all very sad but dignified, and you say what you want and leave and congratulate yourself for a clean break. And then they call a few weeks later just to see “how you’re doing.” And then the call after that to ask if you can look to see if they left their Hard Rock Amsterdam sweatshirt at your place. And then they call again to say they had a dream that you died and they wanted to make sure that you hadn’t died and when you tell them no, you hadn’t died, they say good and then ask about the Hard Rock sweatshirt again. C’mon, Acres. You know we love you, but it’s time to move on. What? Uh, no I’m not seeing anyone … What? A receipt from {open}? Um, no, that’s not mine. My name’s on it? Well, yeah, I mean, um, hey, I gotta run, I need to look for this sweatshirt …