SPECIAL HOLIDAY SONGS TO SING ALONG WITH THE CITY COUNCIL TONIGHT
By Fun At Parties
Just in time to rescue the holiday spirit—but probaby too late for justice, sorry—those never-miss-a-tricksters from the Greed+WTF project have come forth with a slim volume of holiday verse dedicated to everything that’s making this time of year a more-special-than-usual this-time-of-year. Of course, in their world, that boils down to the things they’re expecting will make tonight’s meeting of the Long Beach City Council extra special—approval of the massive, multi-use Second+PCH project.
Actually, that makes tonight’s City Council meeting significant for almost everybody. It’s arguably, one of the most consequential in Long Beach history.
And see, it’s that arguing part that the Greed+WTF people hope their simple booklet of lyrics will subdue. The five songs in the Greed+WTF collection are ostensibly presented as a public service, a coping mechanism for the controversy that is swirling around every item on tonight’s City Council agenda—all two of them:
• First, they are intended to mitigate whatever insult or inconvenience City Hall created by scheduling the Second+PCH hearing and vote tonight—the first night of Hanukkah and the final countdown to Christmas.
Nobody’s asking anybody to forget that the many zoning violations in the Second+PCH proposal (approximately one for each of its 155,000 square feet of retail space and 275 residential units and 12 stories of a building that’s supposed to top out at 35 feet) could start development dominos falling for decades. The Greed+WTF gang knows that as well as anybody. They’re just hoping to help people have a better attitude about it, especially at this time of year—which, remember, is ultimately for the kids.
• Second, the songs are aimed at defusing the sense of double standard generated by Mayor Bob Foster in tonight’s other agenda item—his request that the council cancel its Jan. 3, 2012, meeting because of what he called “the holidays.”
Greed+WTF hopes to keep the general public from falling sway to the narrow-minded thinking of uptight people who believe everything they read on a standard calendar—in this case, that Jan. 3 falls two days after the holidays. They hope things haven’t become so secular in this world of ours that people forget the Feast of the Epiphany falls on Jan. 6.
Ultimately, Greed+WTF are making the case that, by making a little holiday music, people don’t have to put the seasonal spirit on the back burner to deal with these controversial political issues. With these ditties, custom-rhymed for this particular occasion but sung to timeless melodies of the season, they can combine the two!
Obviously, with all the things they want you to fall for, the Greed+WTF goombas must have you mixed up with a member of the Long Beach City Council—because obviously that’s who the lyrics in this songbook were truly written for.
Sing along, anyway—hey, it’s the holidays!
♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪
♫ ♪ ♫ TOWERING CRAP IS COMING TO TOWN ♫ ♪ ♫
♪ ♫ ♪ (“Santa Claus is Coming to Town“) ♪ ♫ ♪
Better not look
Better not drive,
Better not breathe, I’m telling you why:
Towering crap is coming to town!
♪ ♫ ♪
We’re cunning and vile,
Dissemblers, too,
Sneaking in votes
Like Jesus would do:
Towering crap is coming to town!
♪ ♫ ♪
We’ll vote December 20,
And claim the public wins,
We’ll serve the public, with a smile,
On a platter to the Lins!
♫ ♪ ♪ ♫ Oh! ♫ ♪ ♪ ♫
Better not look,
Better not drive,
Better not breathe,
I’m telling you why:
Towering crap is coming to town!
♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫
♫ ♪ ♫ SILVER COINS ♫ ♪ ♫
♪ ♪ (“Silver Bells”) ♪ ♪
Busy schedules,
Dizzy schedules,
Yes, it’s holiday time,
So let’s schedule a vote for our rich friends.
♫ ♪ ♫
Needless retail,
Crushing traffic,
Backed up mile after mile,
Let’s destroy what it’s like to live here!
♫ ♪ ♫
Silver coins, bring those coins,
Where are the Lins and their checkbook?
Ring and clank
In our bank,
Soon we can run for D.C.!
♫ ♪ ♫♫ ♪ ♫
It’s the wrong plan
In the wrong place,
Sure, we know that’s all true,
But obscene payoffs flow from our lying.
♫ ♪ ♫
We’ll just say that
It’s for jobs now,
To employ those in need
Though it’s just like Home Depot we hear.
Silver coins, bring us coins,,
Screw all the people who live here,
That’s our thing,
It’s ka-CHING!
Soon we can run for D.C.!
♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫
♫ ♪ ♫ WALKIN’ BEHIND THE COUNCIL RAIL ♫ ♪ ♫
♪ ♪ (“Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree“) ♪ ♪
Walking behind
The Council Rail,
While the public talks to us,
Laughing and joking merrily
While some gadfly makes a fuss.
Walking behind
The Council Rail,
It is so contemptuous
Of all the people gathered here
Trying to give their views to us.
Mayor Bob will show off his
Ca-li-gu-lan disdain,
That’s why we feel safe ignoring
Everyone we think is boring!
Walking behind
The Council Rail
Swapping jokes and slapping backs,
Showing in actions loud and clear
That we’re
Bought…
And…
Paid…
For…
HACKS!!!
♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫
♫ ♪ ♫ SHAME? WHAT’S THAT? ♫ ♪ ♫
(“Jingle Bells”)
A year or more ago,
The Lins came for a stay,
And soon put on display
Their sociopathic way:
As landlords absentee,
They trashed their gateway spot,
Then had the chutzpah to proclaim
They’re worth another shot!
Oh!
Shame? What’s that?
Shame? What’s that?
Shame they haven’t got!
They say they can now create
A Long Beach beauty spot!
♫ Oh!? ♫
Shame? What’s that?
Shame? What’s that?
Damnedest thing we’ve heard,
Watch them suck big money out
And leave us with a turd!
♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫
♫ ♫ ♫ THE CHRISTMAS MEETING SONG ♫ ♫ ♫
(“Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire”)
Wild geese crashing into 12-floor towers,
Nesting trashed by excess light,
Traffic fumes poisoning migrating fowl,
Reducing numbers found in flight.
Everybody knows
New zoning for that corner plot
Will bring more spires on PCH,
All our friends owning Coast Highway land
Will cut big checks to our campaigns.
We know that
Birds don’t grease our palms,
We know that
Favors now bring donors bearing alms.
Cash is the
Mother’s milk of politics
And donors love it when we pull these shady tricks.
And so
Our friends will build more wetlands towers,
With floors from one to ninety-two.
This council now says
For all time,
For always,
“Local wildlife — fuck you!”
♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫
4 Comments
The real Dave just stood up. Nice work thank you.
Very entertaining. Unfortunately, where the final vote on 2nd/PCH is concerned, also very inaccurate.
Good thing they weren’t predictions.
Agreed, Fun, they were not predictions. What they were, though, was entirely premature and wholly inaccurate insofar as the actual results of the vote in question. Most folks who proved so very wrong would feel just a little bit chagrined. I guess you are not most folks.