frenchonionsoup Friday, August 20 Unemployment numbers are in and the news is good, you know, if you’re holding onto a stock portfolio leaning heavily on misery futures. A whopping 13.5 percent of Long Beach residents are out of work. That’s a rate more whopping than the county (12.3), state (12.2) or country (9.6). In a town of nearly 500,000, do you know how many 13.5 percent is? A lot. In fact, if you were to look to the person sitting on your left and then turn and look at the person on your right you’d find that the out-of-work teacher on your left had stolen your six-inch Quiznos sub. Numbers don’t lie.

Saturday, August 21 An estimated 105,000 people show up to witness Red Bull’s Flugtag event, an estimated half of them standing in front of me in the taco line. If you don’t know, this is a very popular event—especially with the taco-consuming set—that features homemade flying machines launched off of a 30-foot high ramp out over Rainbow Harbor. The machine soon crashes, of course, leaving its crew unharmed, though disheveled, shaken and sopping wet, kind of like flying Continental. The crowd was so big that the exit ramp from the 710 freeway to the area was closed, all parking garages in the area were filled and there was gridlock through the downtown area. The winner’s of this year’s competition was Peepin’ It Real, an-all female crew dressed as Easter Peeps that flew their craft 98-feet. While that may not sound very far, consider that Wilbur and Orville Wright’s first flight went just 120-feet and, costume-wise, the best they could do was to dress up as the Wright brothers.

 Sunday, August 22 Aaaaalmost there … tacos!

 Monday, August 23 Cal State Long Beach opens its $70 million fitness center. The 126,500-square-foot facility features five basketball courts, three exercise rooms, a rock climbing structure, beach volleyball court, indoor running track and pool. Well isn’t that great? You know what they built at Long Beach State when I was there? I don’t know, I was too busy paying parking tickets. Bitter? A little. The closest we got to a fitness center was the on-campus pub, The Nugget. I was looking at some photos of the center on the Press-Telegram website today and one of them showed CSULB president F. King Alexander joking with a couple students poolside. The first time I met the school’s president, Steve Horn, was the day of my graduation. He handed me an empty diploma case, shook my hand and said, “Nice to see you again,” to which I replied “OK, Stan,” for I was extremely fit that particular day.

 Tuesday, August 24 Property values in Long Beach drop a combined $1.2 billion (2.9 percent), while property in Downey (the streak lives!) are down 7.8 percent. In fact, all cities in the greater Long Beach area have seen their property values drop, that is, except Lakewood—up 0.4 percent—and Bellflower—up 0.5. As if.

 Wednesday, August 25 Robert Rizzo, the former city manager of Bell famous for drawing a $800,000 salary and, no, that’s about it, pleads guilty to driving under the influence of alcohol back in March. Though, when you blow a .28 like Rizzo, you’re not so much under the influence of alcohol as much as its long-suffering girlfriend. Rizzo has resigned from his job and is now being called the “disgraced former Bell city manager,” and, indeed, he must be the saddest, most-disgraced city manager who owns a horse ranch and draws a $600,000 pension.

 Thursday, August 26 Philip Hodousek, a 51-year-old man from Mission Viejo, settles his lawsuit against the Claim Jumper restaurant chain after he claimed he chewed on a condom found in a bowl of French onion soup he got at a Claim Jumper in south Orange County. How the condom actually ended up in the soup isn’t clear, though speculation is that the soup was troubled and desperately seeking love. Terms of the settlement were not disclosed, but it is believed that Claim Jumper will leave the agreed-to dollar amount on Hodousek’s bedside table along with a faint promise to “call you soon.”