votesign If you don’t know to just vote D for every statewide office, I don’t know what to tell you. Maybe you are my brother-in-law! Maybe you get tingly for Carly Fiorina! (Or Steve Cooley!) That is your right as an American, if you are an American, but honestly if you don’t know to vote Brown (yay, Brown!) or Newsom or that enviably with-it and groovy and so-girl-crushable Kamala Harris (go ahead and Google her! I’ll wait!), then you probably are not even reading FourStory in the first place.

No, there’s no tough decisions on the candidates this time out—no “Do I really have to vote for Cruz Bustamante when Larry Flynt is ready and willing, if not able?” Really, there are no even vaguely close calls. I mean, Fiorina’s the worst, Steve Cooley is worser, Abel Maldonado seems nice enough, whatever, and Whitman is just such a whore.

So we’ll spend our time on the important stuff: the initiatives that gave California its first and greatest reputation for wackiness back when we enshrined our Voter Anger (or “initiative process”) right there in the state Constitution. And now what are we using it for? Wacky tobacky. That, my friends, is the Circle of Life.

 

Prop 19

LEGALIZES MARIJUANA UNDER CALIFORNIA BUT NOT FEDERAL LAW. PERMITS LOCAL GOVERNMENTS TO REGULATE AND TAX COMMERCIAL PRODUCTION, DISTRIBUTION, AND SALE OF MARIJUANA. INITIATIVE STATUTE. Sez the Secretary of State: “Allows people 21 years old or older to possess, cultivate, or transport marijuana for personal use. Fiscal Impact: Depending on federal, state, and local government actions, potential increased tax and fee revenues in the hundreds of millions of dollars annually and potential correctional savings of several tens of millions of dollars annually.”

This one, naturally, is getting all the ink (and Miracle-Gro). You will vote to legalize it. I know you. You are a dirty hippie.


Prop 20

REDISTRICTING OF CONGRESSIONAL DISTRICTS. INITIATIVE CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT. Sez the Secretary of State: “Removes elected representatives from process of establishing congressional districts and transfers that authority to recently-authorized 14-member redistricting commission comprised of Democrats, Republicans, and respresentatives of neither party. Fiscal Impact: No significant net change in state redistricting costs.”

Unfortunately, the Secretary of State neither knows how to properly punctuate “recently,” nor knows that there’s no such thing as “comprised of.” (And clearly doesn’t use Spell Check, respresentatives, ouch!)

But that is not the important thing! (Nothing in this measure is the important thing, redistricting, how boring, ugh!) Basically, if you’re a Democrat and believe the Democrats will continue to be in charge of the Lege for eternity and then some, and you like it that way, then vote no. If not, then vote yes. Whatever you want, baby. It’s all you!


Prop 21

ESTABLISHES $18 ANNUAL VEHICLE LICENSE SURCHARGE TO HELP FUND STATE PARKS AND WILDLIFE PROGRAMS. GRANTS SURCHARGED VEHICLES FREE ADMISSION TO ALL STATE PARKS. INITIATIVE STATUTE. Let’s hear it, SoS: “Exempts commercial vehicles, trailers and trailer coaches from the surcharge. Fiscal Impact: Annual increase to state revenues of $500 million from surcharge on vehicle registrations. After offsetting some existing funding sources, these revenues would provide at least $250 million more annually for state parks and wildlife conservation.”

What’s that? $250 million for state parks and wildlife conservation? And you only have to pay $18? On your car registration that was hit with a sledgehammer (no, really, a real sledgehammer, I was there; it was on an old beater, and the Young Republicans creamed) by Arnold back when he was pandering his way to the Governor’s Office? Specifically on the back of the evil car tax? And you got back like $200? And then we were like $40 billion in debt? That guy is an asshole. Shut up and give the parks your $18. That is what civilization is for.


Prop 22

PROHIBITS THE STATE FROM BORROWING OR TAKING FUNDS USED FOR TRANSPORTATION, REDEVELOPMENT, OR LOCAL GOVERNMENT PROJECTS AND SERVICES. INITIATIVE CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT. What do you think, Debby? “Prohibits State, even during severe fiscal hardship, from delaying distribution of tax revenues for these purposes. Fiscal Impact: Decreased state General Fund spending and/or increased state revenues, probably in the range of $1 billion to several billions of dollars annually. Comparable increases in funding for state and local transportation programs and local redevelopment.”

You know who’s an asshole? Arnold Schwarzenegger. I swear, one time, I was up in Sacramento, and he gave this whole speech bragging about how he was totally gonna fully fund Prop 42, the law that said the gasoline tax must go to transportation projects or whatever, that year—it was passed overwhelmingly in 2002, but first Gray Davis suspended it, grabbing $868 million (fiscal emergency) and then Schwarzenegger suspended it, diverting its $1.2 billion to other programs (fiscal emergency)—and he (Schwarzenegger) goes, “The people voted to have [gas] tax money used for transportation. But the politicians, of course, had other ideas. They raided transportation funds to cover the deficits and their reckless spending. And our roads and infrastructure have suffered.”

Yes. “The politicians.” You tired? I’m tired. Anyhoo, you just go on and vote no. We’re in a fiscal emergency, and they’re gonna need that redevelopment money (you know, the hundreds of millions of dollars that haven’t been spent on a single unit? Go on and read it, it’s a doozy!) for widows and orphans and such. And honestly, even with all the best intentions, we need to stop with the ballot box budgeting. There are people (supposedly) for that.


Prop 23

SUSPENDS IMPLEMENTATION OF AIR POLLUTION CONTROL LAW (AB 32) REQUIRING MAJOR SOURCES OF EMISSIONS TO REPORT AND REDUCE GREENHOUSE GAS EMISSIONS THAT CAUSE GLOBAL WARMING, UNTIL UNEMPLOYMENT DROPS TO 5.5 PERCENT OR LESS FOR FULL YEAR. INITIATIVE STATUTE. Madam Secretary: “Fiscal Impact: Likely modest net increase in overall economic activity in the state from suspension of greenhouse gases regulatory activity, resulting in a potentially significant net increase in state and local revenues.”

You know what, Prop 23? Fuck you. I think you are the worst proposition ever. I think you are worse than 187, because that was only racist against some of the people, and you, Prop 23, are racist against humans and animals and all plant life except toxic algae blooms and maybe some succulents. I don’t even like succulents. I think they are ugly!


Prop 24

REPEALS RECENT LEGISLATION THAT WOULD ALLOW BUSINESSES TO LOWER THEIR TAX LIABILITY. INITIATIVE STATUTE. “Fiscal Impact: Increased state revenues of about $1.3 billion each year by 2012–13 from higher taxes paid by some businesses. Smaller increases in 2010–11 and 2011–12.”

Wait, what? How was there recent legislation that allowed businesses to lower their tax liability? Did Grover Norquist take over the California state Senate while I was off somewhere, being awesome and superproductive? WHO VOTED FOR THAT? WE DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH MONEY FOR ALL OF THE THINGS! And now there’s MORE corporate tax breaks? I AM TALKING IN CAPITAL LETTERS! Vote YES on this shit! I am now mad!

CONTINUE TO READ COMMIE GIRL’S RECOMMENDATIONS FOR PROPS 25, 26 AND 27