Vector Control
VECTOR CONTROL: A RABID ROMANCE LEADS TO HEARTBREAK…AND, WELL, RABIES
An unusually high number of rabid bats have been found in LA County this year. Officials advise against begining any kind of star-crossed romance with any bat---no matter how soulful their eyes, tortured their eyes or yearning their love.
VECTOR CONTROL: BRIAN GIMMILLARO’S RISE CAN BE TRACED TO HIS FOLLICLES
Have you ever seen Long Beach State women's volleyball coach Brian Gimmillaro’s hair? Like the Grand Canyon, it changes hues and appearance at different times of the day. Like the waters at Lourdes, it has been known to give help and hope to many. It is magnificent.
VECTOR CONTROL: DOES THIS CREW LOOK LIKE A CYCLE GANG TO YOU?
About 100 bicyclists on a nighttime ride were ambushed, ticketed and their bikes confiscated by the Long Beach Police Department. This would have been lame anywhere, but was inexplicable in a town where the City Council (above) in December 2009 posed beneath a sign proclaiming Long Beach "the most bicycle friendly city in America."
VECTOR: CAN YOU IMAGINE NAZI-ING JESSE JAMES IN LONG BEACH, ANYMORE?
Celebrity motorcycle builder/Teutonic history buff Jesse James reportedly will close his West Coast Choppers shop in Long Beach---which named a street after him---and focus on Texas, a state more in line with his political views, especially when it comes to making the trains run on time. The street will likely revert to its original name: Hermann Goering Blvd.
VECTOR: GEORGE LAINE WAS A NEWSPAPERMAN WHEN IT MEANT SOMETHING MORE
George Laine---newspaperman, WWII vet, boxer, jazz critic, union man and recovered alcoholic---dies at 84. We met at the Press-Telegram and he was just about sweetest tough old bird I’d ever met, a grizzled/gracious cross between Burgess Meredith and the Hobbit. No one could tell you to fuck off with more genuine love and affection.
VECTOR CONTROL: A HALF-ASS CAMPAIGN? JERRY BROWN’S NOT THERE YET
I wouldn’t say Jerry Brown has run a half-ass campaign for governor---that would be giving him credit for too much ass. An eighth-of-an-ass? Still too much ass. I’d say he’s somewhere in the .04-of-an-ass, well below the legal limit. So how can Meg Whitman be losing?
VECTOR CONTROL: SUJA LOWENTHAL—BUDGET CUTS AND … MONKEY BUTLERS?
Oh, there is just something so deliciously twisted, so utterly Marie Antoinettish about Long Beach councilmember Suja Lowenthal discussing cuts in basic city services while in a luxurious palace being served exotic fruits by ... please let it be ... a monkey butler.
VECTOR CONTROL: SIX-INCH SUBS, LONG TACO LINES AND CHEWY CONDOM SOUP
How the condom actually ended up in the French onion soup isn’t clear, although speculation is that the soup was troubled and desperately seeking love. Claim Jumper is expected to leave the agreed-to dollar amount on the plaintiff's bedside table, along with a faint promise to “call you soon.”
VECTOR CONTROL: WOULD PRISON COOL LORRAINE CERVANTES’ BURNING DESIRES?
The Compton College trustee's call to burn down the Compton Bulletin follows the time she claimed a Compton mayor was a Satanist, the time she threatened to punch out a woman who had written a letter to the editor and the time she attended a city council meeting in a Mardi Gras outfit.
VECTOR CONTROL: WOMEN’S CONFAB ADDS SEX-TAPE STARS AND A SCAREDY CAT
Kim Kardashian and Rob Lowe owe much of their fame to sex tapes, and former First Lady Laura Bush didn't publicly reveal she is pro-choice and pro-gay rights until after her husband/harbinger-of-the-apocalypse had left office.
VECTOR CONTROL: HATE TO BREAK IT TO SUJA, BUT IT’S TIME TO GROW UP
All of us have had to miss family functions—even weddings—because it conflicted with a job. It’s a drag, sure, but this is what grownups do. And this is the problem with Suja Lowenthal: the only choices she ever seems to make are ones that benefit her quest to become the most popular kid in school.
VECTOR CONTROL: SUJA LOWENTHAL—SHE CAME TO SAY SHE MUST BE GOING
After weeks of ado about squat, Suja Lowenthal---the most baldly ambitious and ethically lithe elected official in Long Beach government---wrangles the title of Vice Mayor. She immediately announces she's not going to attend crucial meetings that deal with the city's massive budget deficit.
VECTOR CONTROL: PARKING METERS PROVE BAD TIMES CAN ALWAYS GET WORSE
It's the 75th anniversary of the installation of the first parking meter---so be sure and party like it’s National Unexpectedly Finding a Bump Somewhere On Your Body Day. It’s natural to assume they were invented by Hitler. But like so many things destroying this country, we have the South to thank.
VECTOR CONTROL: FROM HERE, BIG DRUG BUST MEANS END OF LB BUDGET PROBLEM
Here's the way it goes: we seize the drugs, we sell the drugs back into the drug community, and then we seize the drugs again to sell them again. A perfect machine, as it was when Ronald Reagan first developed the scam in the ‘80s.
VECTOR CONTROL: ROLLING ON A RIVER, TOWARD EVER-TOUGHER TIMES
Some people view the Los Angeles River as a kind an oxymoron---you know, like “Compassionate Conservative.” But its entire 51 miles are navigable, if treacherous, and let's pause to remember those vessels that didn't make it.
VECTOR CONTROL: SARAH PALIN WISHES ON STAR PARKER FOR CONGRESS
Sarah Palin endorses Republican Star Parker for congress against Democrat Laura Richardson---which means a lot to those people who believe Jesus rode a dinosaur to Hebrew school.
VECTOR CONTROL: STEVE LOWERY BITTEN BY SURFING BUG AND LIVES TO TELL
Those of you who haven’t tried it may not be aware there is a lot of vomiting in surfing. This is because surfing, despite all the videos and cool lingo and innovative footwear, is actually quite hard. Like really hard, like, “Oh God, I think I’m gonna vomit, will that attract sharks?” hard.
VOTE TO BOYCOTT ARIZONA PRESENTS SOUTHERN CALIFORNIANS WITH A NOT-REALLY-ALL-THAT HARDSHIP
The Los Angeles City Council voted Wednesday to ban most city travel to Arizona as a way to protest that state’s tough new immigration law. It was an extraordinary step, which the council has taken only a couple times before, including once to protest South Africa’s then-apartheid policies. Of course, Arizona’s new law isn’t apartheid [...]
